FACING YOUR FEARS

FEAR: An emotional response to a perceived threat. A basic survival mechanism occurring in response to the threat of pain or danger.

 
There are 3 things in life which strike absolute terror throughout my entire body and soul, and today I had to man-up and face one of these fears. The three things are (1) snakes, (2) albino people, and (3) dentists. Snakes are my true nemesis in life. When I see one on TV, I immediately have to put on my slippers. (Classic snake defensive tactic) They terrify me. It’s the way in which they slither across the ground in such a arrogant, cavalier manner, and the speed at which they attack. Be it the sleek, snappy buggers, or those gigantic boa constrictors that wrap themselves around you, slowly squeezing your breath out. I detest them all. At school, a boy took his pet snake into class one day to do his presentation on the subject, and to this day I still think there is a Gary-shaped hole in Miss Lowry’s classroom wall. I preferred to do my class presentations on more conventional subjects such as Jeffrey Dahmer, Marylin Monroe vs The Kennedys, and Mrs Doubtfire. (Interesting fact: Mrs Doubtfire was one of Sinatra’s all-time favourite films, along with Timecop and Val Wilder: Party Liaison.)

 I feel guilty for my second fear, as albino people clearly did not ask to look like the walking dead. But this fear traces the furthest back into my childhood. There was a Children’s TV show called Look and Read, and for a few weeks the featured show on L&R was one called The Boy From Space. The alien boy mentioned in the title was an albino whom the Earth children called Peep Peep, as this was all he could say, which was, in hindsight, a very racist thing to do. If you don’t think so, just ask my Iranian friend, My Family Were All Killed, who is a crackin’ lad, but who cries a lot, and always disappears when it’s his round. Anyway, Peep Peep was pursued by The Thin Man, another albino alien. But this Thin Man was not a friendly looking alien like the cheeky Peepster. Oh no, The Thin Man was the absolute antithesis of friendliness. An evil, horror of a man, whose gaunt, soulless face would come to haunt my dreams for many years to come. But I've checked imdb.com and that actor's now dead, so screw him! I’ve recently read on such websites as Wikipedia and jizzhard.com that there is such a thing as albino snakes, but so far I refuse to believe these claims. I don’t think my nerves could handle such a truth.

But the fear I had to face today was actually the last one I mentioned. The last, but by no means the latest. The Dentist. (Dum Dum Daaaaaah!) So, it was 3:15pm and I was sitting in the waiting room shaking like a French soldier, and any minute someone was going to appear, call my name out, and then... then it’s judgement day. It was possibly quite a big procedure, so I was praying that the hygienist/assistant girl was not too attractive, because I’m always immensely vulnerable at that moment, yet if she was pretty I’d still feel the need to throw some charm her way, because that’s just how it works, and I was too busy focusing on not crying. I was in luck. She was middle-aged and looked a bit like Seabiscuit. So I was in the chair, and after five long days of pain and painkillers, I now found myself lying to the dentist, saying that everything was fine and that I was just passing so thought I’d just pop in and say hello, but he didn't buy my lies. Not for one single second. ‘I’m going to run some tests,’ he said, before tapping the tooth in question with a steel tooth-tapper (What?! I’m not a trained dentist!) before blasting it with some cold air. ‘Was that sore?’ he asked. ‘No,’ I lied ‘That felt really, really nice.’
Anyway, to cut a long story short, he whipped the syringe out, gave me two jags (as I proceeded to breath so heavily that I’m sure some tooth decay came flying out of my nose), he drilled for an eternity while I displayed some of my favourite Riverdance moves. He followed this with some more dentistry action in my mouth, and then popped in a filling. Job done. So, whilst standing at the reception afterwards, whimpering, checking my t-shirt for blood, I knew that my biggest dentist fear was about to present itself. ‘That will be £72 please, Mr Crombie,’

 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!'

People face their fears in many various ways. Some people talk about them, some laugh at them, some yell at them, and some even smother them in their sleep. But for me, the way I dealt with my fear was simple. More lying. I said I was on Jobseekers Allowance, they bought it, and left without spending a penny!!‘

Simple economics.