PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER

People are always stopping me in the street, or on the subway or even at my local Chinese restaurant, Wok This Way, and the two things they always seem to ask me, is “Excuse me, are you in the queue?” and “Who are your three favourite serial killers?”

Well, as someone who is always willing to embark on a good list, I answer that second question thus –

1. Charles Manson – When Charles was a child, his mother swapped him for a pitcher of beer and it took his uncle a couple of days to find him again. My first dog, Optimus Prime, a border collie with magnificent testicles, had a similar experience when mum swapped him at market for a kilo of gammon and set of darts, only for the lady to return him that same night complaining that he was dragging his bum along her carpet and leaving skidmarks. Charlie was always up against it in life. Being forced to wear a dress on his first day of school does not set an individual up in good stead. But despite all that, he almost won a record contract thanks to Dennis Wilson from the Beach Boys who took Charlie round all the Hollywood parties, introducing him to the west coast glitterati, who didn’t realise they were meeting a psycho maniac. Well, we’ve all been that guy, huh? Right? Guys? No? Also, true fact, Charlie’s getaway driver was a woman called Linda Kasabian, whose name was used by UK rock group, Shed Seven. Charles Manson is 75 years old, and currently serving life in Corcoran State Prison, California, and is eligible for parole in 2012.

2. Ted Bundy – Ted shares a similar story to Jack Nicholson in that, growing up, he was led to believe that his mother was his sister, and that his grandparents were his parents. His favourite game as a three year old was to wait for his aunt to fall asleep, before surrounding her with knives and other sharp objects, and sit grinning, waiting for her to wake up. Awww, bless. Little rascal. When my dad used to fall asleep in his chair on a Sunday, my sister and I would get changed into our school clothes and freak him out by telling him he’d slept for a whole day. I still recall his brief moments of panic with a warm sense of nostalgia. And what many people don’t realise about Ted, was that he actually defended himself in court, and did a pretty good job of it by all accounts. Not great obviously, but not bad considering the evidence. Better than Jack in A Few Good Men, that’s for sure. Ted Bundy was executed by electric chair in 1989. His last meal was lasagne and chips, and before his execution he was heard expressing deep regret for his actions, wishing he had chosen the chicken kievs instead.

3. Richard Ramirez aka The Night Stalker – Despite a brutal year-long killing spree which terrorised the Los Angeles area in the mid 80’s, Richy Ramirez had incredible cheek bones, and is definitely the poster boy for all serial killers. (It’s not a tough group to be the best looking in, to be fair). I am a single guy, yet Richy, a convicted rapist and killer, is bombarded daily with offers, even getting married in 1996! So when it comes to getting some action, it’s Richard Ramirez: Serial Killer 1, Gary 0. But in fairness to me, I doubt that most of Richy’s friends are bloody couples!! Richy was finally captured when a group of vigilant neighbours, including two teenage brothers, recognised him from his photo in the newspapers, chased him down the street and beat the living shit out of him. Now that’s a story to go back to school with! That definitely beats my back-to-school story of meeting Bruno Brookes at the Weymss Bay caravan park one summer. Richard Ramirez is currently awaiting execution in San Quentin State Prison, and is studying for a degree in Lawn Management.

Big shout outs and noticeable mentions to Jeffrey Dahmer, Jack The Ripper, Aileen Wuornos, Peter Sutcliffe and Lucas Johnson from Eastenders. I’m sorry you all missed out on the Top 3, but unfortunately, on this occasion the gags lay elsewhere. Please note, that I do not condone serial killing in any way, shape or form. Other things which I do not condone are three-way marriages, oriental Elvis impersonators, and indifference.